A Sarcastic Article

An Irrational Fear – The Dreaded Needle!

 

The irrational fear of needles; also known as aichmophobia (fear of sharp, pointed objects), belonephobia (abnormal fear of sharp objects, especially needles), enetophobia (fear of pins), trypanophobia (fear of injections) and vaccinophobia (fear of vaccinations). Wow, we like to label things! It doesn’t really make me feel much better labelling, actually kinda makes me feel as if it’s worth worrying about, if so many other people feel this, enough to name it five different things.

The cervical cancer injections were the worst, another downfall of being a female (yes, I could list a fair few): I and 95% of my year group (girls’ school – another odd thing I agreed to) volunteered ourselves to be stabbed with an inactive version of a killing disease not once, but three times!

For the first stabbing session I was not too concerned, unlike some of my friends, I’d just heard it was like a small pinch, what was there to worry about? So I wandered into our maths classroom that had been converted into a dungeon of needles, I was surrounded by these thin, sharp, shining needles. Still not overly phased, I take a seat opposite my mate. This nurse begins to ask me the strange questions; ‘are you pregnant?’, this could be quite offensive, especially as it’s the second time I’ve been asked, of course I’m not and I were do you really think I’d say it at this point! I just laugh ‘no’ and she gives me a sceptic look; excuse me! I then look ahead to avoid her inquisitive eye, just at the wrong time, I see the needle pushed into my friend’s pale skin, making the indent as it pushes further and further before withdrawing to allow a stream of red to seep out her arm. This makes my heart pound a little, the nurse notices (she had been staring at me the whole time, so hardly a surprise) she decides to skip the other questions and gets the needle ready. She positions it and I shift, ‘oh, would you like your friend to hold your hand?’, my previously stabbed friend squeezes my hand as the nurse inserts the cold blade into my skin, I can feel my body trying to reject it, I tense and pain rushes up my arm, which only increases my muscle tension resulting in more pain. She slowly withdraws the needle, allowing the scarlet stream to flow down my arm (even she looks shocked at the amount of blood coming out my arm) and hastily sticks on a tiny plaster far away from the pin point and wipes at the blood. I felt sick and was shaking so just left, not giving her a chance for any more questions.

That was just number one. I was sick after and couldn’t stop shaking for hours, people began to worry and the teachers advised me to go home but I couldn’t imagine phoning my Mum to collect me because of an injection, it felt pathetic. So I stuck it out.

The second time round I was freaked before entering the room and insisted my friend come with me again. I sat on the chair, trembling a little, again being asked if I were pregnant – what, since last time? Really? Come on, I’m nervous and you have to drag it out by asking the pointless questions but apparently missing out the potentially useful ones! This nurse proceeds to puncture my arm with no mercy; a horizontal plunge. I feel sick, again!

Third time I’m nervous (shocking right?) but they will not allow me my friend so my nervous are even worse (I’m a peoples person). I am taken in early, the school are learning, they warn the nurse and she is sweet, she tried to calm me and asks if I’m ok because I’m pale (it is winter and I am scared, hardly surprising) then she asks me ‘do you have an allergies’ well, yes I do, a few actually. She looks slightly concerned, ‘oh, umm are you sure you want this?’ now I’m the one looking quizzical ‘yes’ I say reluctantly, ‘you may be ill after, your body is sensitive and your likely to be sick and experience shaking’. Now I understand! I went ahead with it and was sick once again but I thought I might as well, I’d survived two out of three.

So I’m allergic to vaccines, or so I’m told, which makes me think; if my body reacts like that to an inactive version of the pathogen, if I get cancer I’m just gonna die! Poof, gone! What hope do I have? If so, it was all pointless! Pointless!

Opening To A Monologue

Jail Bird

A woman, by the name of Ciara, in her early twenties is sat in a prison cell, on a bed in plain grey clothing.

I think these four walls are driving me insane already, really could do with a lick of paint, I've paid enough taxes for that at least! I’d be happy to do it myself, kill a bit of time. Time is all I have now, tick, tock … Grey just isn't my colour, washes me out. Hardly lookers in here though, no strong competitors, fashion is a crime round here!

A long pause, as she flicks through a newspaper

We’re so easily influenced by what we read, forgetting to look for the proof, forgetting it’s sensationalised, we’re looking in the mirror forgetting it’s doubled glazed. They won’t forget though, they know the cost of looking at the sun!

Lights dim out and back in; Ciara is sat in the court yard alone on a bench silently watching a rough game of netball

They shove me here daily ‘socialise, exercise’ they bark. First time gave ‘em a bit of a shock when a fight nearly broke out, what did they expect, do they know who I am? It’s not like I wish to make pointless conversation with a bunch of guilty convicts anyway. Never been one for team sport. I don’t hide in a team, I step out alone and fight for what I want, you gotta in this industry! Ruthless … But not a criminal. Stabbing ain’t really my style, I’d be more of a trained assassin ‘Nikita’ chic – with the cute outfits and killer riffles. I miss that show.

Lighting fades in and out; Back in the solitary cell

Counselling, oh what fun! She defiantly believes the tabloids, so I’m strong and I keep my cards close to my chest, I’m no detective but I don’t think that’s evidence. Motive you might have, but no evidence and you can’t send me down based on a hunch. The tabloids are tearing me to shreds, it was one of their own, they’re gonna aren’t they? Come on people of course they’re gonna!

A moment of silence and a glazed look as a tear trickles down her face

We’re meant to be attractive to the high bidders, the valuables, I've got the face, the physique, the fame so when he came along I just supposed he was priceless. He stood by me, not just for the photos but behind the scenes too; it was true! He loved my runway and felt proud to call me his, but it was never about that. It was deeper, he thought I was gold but he never knew I thought he was platinum.  

After a short pause she wipes her eyes furiously, leaving black marks all over the grey sleeves

Was he even bronze?

Tick, tock …

Course Guide to the Design Technology of a Stephanie (AS/A Level)

Advance Subsidiary (AS)

This specific Design Technology course is a complex and unique course for those wishing to understand such a confusing being. A/S level looks into the past and questions what shaped this unusual character. Unit 1 looks at the beginning of life whilst unit 2 considers secondary school and the present.

A Level is slightly challenging as it looks into the future. Can she lead the life she wants? Will some crazy opportunity swipe her up and change her plans forever? If she achieves her mundane dream will she actually be happy?

(A/S) Two units, both examined throughout the course

Unit One: Childhood – Born on the 8^th December 1997 Stephanie experienced a pretty normal upbringing in a family of four (2 parents & 1 crazy younger sister). From a young age she displayed nerdy-qualities with impressive speech skills (for her age), a little party trick her Dad would utilise in social situations. She hated barbies (or any kind of doll), because they did not come alive as shown in the advert, but enjoyed role-play games with her friends and her devious sister.

Unit Two: Teen Life – Secondary school was an unwelcome shock, her primary school was so friendly and secondary school lacked that vibe! Girls were judgemental but ultimately she found her place, she embraced the geek and made some cool mates, eventually. So maybe her early teenage years weren’t her prime. She can hope!

Advanced Level (A2)

(A2) One extensive unit in which your decisions shape the result

Unit Three: The Uncertain Future - Students may progress to the full advanced level where the difficult questions are introduced; the future! So Stephanie wants to travel (with her mate Kelly), experience such things as Camp America and different cultural traditions. Then later on become a primary school teacher and have her own family (kind of predictable). How do we do this without too many mistakes? Most importantly can we predict her future (preferably without a game of MASH).

Methods of Teaching and Learning

Unfortunately she is not naturally academic, it is not her forte, so to succeed with such ambitions as to be a primary school teacher and achieve unreachable targets (perfectionism is a killer) you must work your butt off! This includes making a horrendous amount of notes at all and every opportunity and making cringy yet cute revision cards (the primary school teacher shines through).

Methods of Assessment

This course will be taught by the friends and family of the notorious Stephanie to allow students to gain a true insight. Students will be tested for different characteristics, her parents and sister may test your patience, certain friends of hers may test your reaction to different awkward social situations they insist of putting you in, whilst other friends test your wit and humour, we must all be on the same page!

Resources

The teachers in this subject are your resources; many of these people have known her for too many years and survived her company so students are encouraged to dig at their memories to attempt to gain understanding.

Entry Requirements

Decent leadership skills and the ability to make random, pointless conversations may be helpful. Also refrain from being argumentative, generally I cannot be bothered, so it’s advised to survive the course that you don’t over think. Be decisive at the risk of mistakes, many may follow due to their potentially misplaced trust in your actions.

Being carefree, popular, funny, creative and a bright spirit is truly unnecessary.

Charges

Such a life style is costly, due to the extra circular craze but there are perks such as wages from her new-found job at the local Chinese takeaway. Also she is rather stingy when it comes to spending! 

My Idiolect

I guess, in comparison to some girls, I have a low pitch voice with a soft ‘farmers’ accent due to living in the South West, I’d hope I don’t sound Bristolian though because that often means mispronunciation, which my Mum has always discouraged. Some of my mates say I ‘speak posh’, I suppose this is because I try to pronounce fully, not drop the ‘t’s like some of them do. I also avoid text talk in speech; LOL and YOLO, for example, just sound weird when said aloud, at least I think so anyway. I’m not saying I’m a social outcast or anything, when it comes to language, I do use abbreviations and slang but just avoid those acronyms in speech.

My speech and tone also changes depending on the audience. For example, with my mates I’ll use more slang but with my parents or teachers I’ll use more extensive vocabulary, then with younger children my pitch often rises to create excitement and I may simplify my language.

As a filler mid-sentence, when I’m thinking, I use ‘umm’ and ‘hmm’ but when the conversation reaches a break I often use words such as, ‘so’, ‘yeah’ or ‘right’.

My most frequently used swear word is probably ‘shit’ or ‘crap’ but I do try to avoid swearing because I help with brownie units and I find swearing becomes a habit too easily and you obviously can’t be using that language around their age group, or at work with customers, or generally in most scenarios. It is only really acceptable with my friends in casual conversation.  

I tend to start conversation with ‘hey’ and end with ‘laters’ with my mates and my parents, though my Mum always mimics my ‘hey’ because I apparently drag out the ‘e’. At work though, I answer the phone with ‘hello’ and greet customers in that manor generally.

When I speak I tend to make gestures, I think I got this from my Dad when I was young because he is pretty animated when speaking, also when working with children or when communicating with my employers, who are Chinese and can struggle with English, I tend to exaggerate my gestures to aid communication.

During a conversation I commonly nod along, smile, raise my eye brows or maybe frown. According to my sister, I also hold eye contact too long during a conversation. I may also chip in little comments like ‘fair enough’, ‘I get you’, ‘I know what you mean’ or ‘really’ and ‘oh my god’, this is often with my friends, with adults its more likely ‘yes’, ‘right’, ‘ok’ and ‘sure’.